I’ve always had a voice, but sometimes it has disappeared under the onslaught of pressures, real and imagined, work and personal. If you read my blog, you probably think things have gone pretty well for me: I’ve got the freedom and money to travel, friends and family, and good physical health. But it hasn’t always been that way. On this, both my birthday and World Mental Health Day, I’m sharing one of my mental health struggles and how I found my voice again.
In 2012, I cracked. I had been under the pressure of caring for family members and working a job with lots of travel, then looking for another job after I got laid off. I was going through the motions of living but I had been feeling stuck and deeply unhappy for months, losing energy and hiding out from friends. I blindly refused to see I had slowly slid down into a major depressive episode.
It all came to a head when I slammed a door on a friend’s car and she called me on it. It was something that wouldn’t have bothered me all that much a few years earlier but that day, I completely lost it. She did what a good friend does, she held me accountable for my actions and painful as it was, I could see she was right. There was something wrong with me.
I knew this place I had fallen into. I had been here years before, when my life had spiraled down into a small, dark place. The last time, I had taken prozac for a year or so, weaning off it as I got better. I didn’t want the prozac this time. It had flattened the highs as well as the lows and I felt fuzzy the whole time I was on it.
This time I wanted to do the work to figure out what had gone wrong and how to fix it. How to fix me. I was ready to see a therapist, talk to someone about all the stuff bottled up inside me for so long.
I picked out three therapists to see which one I responded to the best. It felt a bit like the story of Goldilocks. One therapist was way too concerned with getting fresh air even though I was cold in her frigid office (she offered me a blanket!). The second one scared the crap out of me with her intensity. The third one was gentle and curious, and her initial questions made me feel I could trust her. I went with her.
I saw my therapist twice a week for four months, with homework between sessions. We walked through some hard times and the box of tissues was never far away on the couch where I sat and talked and talked and talked. Ever so slowly, the darkness eased and bits of light crept in. I started to see the way forward unfolding.
There was no miracle moment, no time when I thought, “Aha, that’s the thing I need to fix!” and voilà, it was done. It was a lot of work. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I wasn’t “cured” in four months, but I knew how to move ahead on my own, and my therapist was there for backup.
I grew up when mental illness was a stigma. We didn’t talk about it and we certainly didn’t broadcast it to the world at large. We live in a different time now, and I am happy as hell that we do. I can say, without shame, that I was clinically depressed and therapy helped me find my way. It gave me back my voice.
I’m using that voice today, on World Mental Health Day, to say that if you need help, ask for it. Get help. Keep asking for it. Keep getting help until you feel better, until you find your voice again. You’re so worth it. Even if you don’t think so right now. Trust me, you are worth it.
Resources
- Learn about depression: National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI)
- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 in the US and a live, trained Crisis Counselor receives the text and responds via a secure online platform. Canada: text HOME to 686868. UK: text HOME to 85258.
- Suicide Prevention Helpline: 800-273-TALK (8255)
Related Post: Followup: Finding My Voice Again
There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.
Leonard Cohen
Thank you for your clear, candid and heartfelt message. As a clinical psychologist, I very much appreciate your description of your therapy experience. Finding your voice may have been facilitated by a professional who was willing to really listen, know you, and nurture your voice along, however, you are the one who took the risks to grow, going out on the limb to find the needed fruit in your life. I have much respect for you. Thank you again.
Thank you for that, Jack, it meant so much to me to read your supportive comment. I really appreciate it.
Beautiful! And smart – as always, you have done your due diligence and approached the problem in a thoughtful, well-planned way, and then shared it with us so we can benefit from yet another journey. Thank you for breaking it down into steps we can take when we need to and adding a touch of beauty. Happy Belated Birthday!
Thank you for this vulnerable blog post. Knowing a part of your back story makes following your Alto adventure all the more inspiring! I love your choice of photos, which perfectly illustrated this post.
Thank you for reading, Sue, and leaving your encouraging comment. And you got the photo choices, thank you, I didn’t think anyone really put them together with the words.
Thank you for this courageous and sincere testimony.
Happy birthday
I always remember your birthday…you share this great day with my nephew.
I love your message, Annie. Happy Birthday
❤️I’m glad you’re better. Happy Birthday! Barb
Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt, and, unfortunately, I’m back there again. I’m pretty sure it’s situational, and won’t take long to fix, but I needed to go back for a tune-up. Good to know we can express this these days. Seeing a therapist or meds for depression should be as normal as treating any pneumonia or kidney stones. Take care. Hope to see you soon.
It’s the recognizing that you’re back there, and going in for the “tuneup” that makes me feel you’re going to be OK, Luanne. You’ve been on a roller-coaster of family and writing stuff, so be gentle with yourself, do what you need to do to take care of your precious self. And you know you can call me any time. Seriously, if you need an ear, I’m here (hear)!
From one birthday girl to another, happy birthday and am ever so glad to have met you. I hope we meet again..
Thanks for your sharing, Annie! The Leonard Cohen quote is right on the mark! Happy Birthday today!
Thanks for sharing such an important message, Annie.
So wish more people would seek help.
You are proof that it works.
May this be your best year ever!
You’ve a brave heart. Thank you for sharing with your fellow travelers.
Thank you so much for sharin those moments whit us….
It is amazing that in the depths of depression where insight and energy and motivation are at a premium that you so wisely thought to find three therapists to interview to find a good fit. Thank you for your wise words and for sharing your deeply personal story. Happy birthday!
My friend Beth suggested interviewing therapists, and I picked 3 as a good number, and about all I could handle. She also had the excellent advice to not try to make the therapist my friend, because that’s not her role. I found both pieces of advice very valuable.
Annie – A heartrending insight. There is not a better cause to speak out on than mental illness. The most important thing we can teach our kids is how to reach out for help when they need it.
Annie, we just want to personally thank you for sharing your words, insight, your writings, snip its of the world via your camera lens and message of hope and encouragement.
Happy Birthday and Happy Tomorrows!
-The2Sisters in Delaware
(Betty Lou and Bev)
Betty Lou and Bev, thank you so much for reading my scribbles and for leaving me your wonderful comment. I’ve seen a few from you now, and like seeing you pop up in my comment notices 🙂
I love people who let me in. Thanks, Annie. xxx
So happy you found your voice again and to share this takes a lot of courage…. I applaud you. Have an awesome Birthday and May this be the Best Birthday ever!
Hugs
Mary L.
Thank you, Annie. Bringing mental health struggles out into the light is brave and long overdue. I’ve found there is a big accessibility issue. Have you noticed most mental health professionals like clinical psychologists are out of network and don’t accept health insurance? I’m told it’s because the reimbursement rate insurance companies set for the value of the service is too low. The exception is psychiatrists it seems, who prescribe all the drugs. At any rate, that’s been my experience.
The way mental health professionals handle insurance might vary from place to place. In Santa Cruz (where I was in this instance), all three of the professionals I interviewed would accept my insurance, and so I didn’t have any issue. I hope you were able to find someone to work with who was affordable.
Thank you for sharing your very personal journey, Annie. I am happy you have found your voice again. I have people very close to me who have had similar struggles and they too have used therapy with great success. Speaking out about our mental health and seeking care for it is just as important as our physical health. Take care!
Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. A heartfelt post and a wonderful to celebrate your birthday. Happy Birthday!