I’ve appreciated all the support I’ve gotten since I published “Finding My Voice Again” earlier this month. I want to answer a few questions and make a few clarifications, continuing the dialog about mental health since the whole of October is designated Mental Health Awareness Month.
The depression I wrote about happened in 2012. For me, depression is not a “one and done” thing. It is something that I deal at irregular intervals as things go out of balance, for whatever reasons. I’ve spent the last few months dealing with another round of depression and am just coming out the other side. You might have noticed the lack of new posts since July or so, and depression was the reason why. Some of my episodes are small but still disabling; others are longer and deeper and I need outside help to climb out of the pit. I tried to write how this feels, but it turns out someone on Facebook already did, so here’s a bit of what they shared:
“Getting up everyday participating in life, doing things that you normally do isn’t always a sign that you are not suffering. Depression isn’t always crying, nor is always the hiding in bathroom to cry and walking out with a smile. Depression has many faces… I am without the spark I usually have and my excitement about life and the future isn’t shining bright right now… My depression is not about what it looks like on the outside. It’s about what it feels like on the inside. And that’s the difference that people need to understand.” (Courtesy, Sue Morton, Braving Life Authentically on Facebook)
To stay level, I use a combination of writing therapy, physical exercise (oh, those lovely endorphins), and staying in touch with people. Being outdoors helps, as does light: sunshine or bright lights in the winter evenings both work. Being engaged with the world, whether it’s creative pursuits, contract work, hanging out with friends, or just talking on the phone with people is a huge help. And it’s also a huge challenge for me as a vagabond. It’s not like I can call up a friend and meet up for coffee. I’m learning to reach out, to dive into my contacts on the phone and call someone, but part of me still feels it’s a weakness to ask for help. I know, I know, it’s not. I keep telling myself that and someday I’ll listen.
Some people commented on finding a therapist. It was a nerve-wracking process because I had to be honest and admit I was struggling and share things I hadn’t even told my closest friends. Interviewing three of them turned out to be the right number for me simply because the third one was the person I clicked with. It might take four or six or one for someone else. The point is to find someone you can relate to and trust to work with you on getting better. And, to share my friend Beth’s advice, don’t make the therapist your friend. They are there to help you, to guide you, and not to be your bestie.
The opposite of depression isn’t “being happy” it’s being resilient enough to go through daily life without crashing and burning. It’s being able to find the joy in life, whether it’s a beautiful flower on a walk or a humpback whale showing flukes on a dive or a kid dancing in the grocery store to their favorite song. It’s getting up in the morning and looking forward to the day, instead of counting the hours till bedtime and being able to let go of the struggle for the night.
On this, the last day of Mental Health Awareness month, I wish I had some brilliant words to share about how to manage depression. I wish I had a magic wand to wave depression away forever for those of us who deal with it, whether as a constant or an intermittent companion. Most of all, I wish we will all be understanding and accepting and supportive of each other, whatever shape we’re in.
So sometimes one has simply to endure a period of depression for what it may hold of illumination if one can live through it, attentive to what it exposes or demands.
May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude
Hello Annie,
I was so touched by your description in the October 10th article – I had wanted to reply but see that there were problems with the vagaries of WordPress.
Your article and your quote must surely have touched many; it certainly did me in its honesty and clarity. I am a psychiatrist and wanted to ask your permission to share it – name removed of course- with some of my patients so that they would not feel alone – in my opinion the absolute worst part of depression.
I like that you don’t give slick answers – there are not any I think and one size does not fit all. I remember trying to get better myself and went away to a boot camp: exercise, healthy eating and no alcohol. Did it help? Absolutely not. But in order to maintain my wellness I have to maintain the healthy living you describe including exercise, good eating, reaching out and developing relationships. And still I can easily slip.
Thank you again.
Fiona, thank you so much for that comment (and persisted against the will of WordPress, which does sometimes make commenting a challenge). I would be honored to have you share my writing with your patients, as they are most certainly not alone in the struggle. I have been heartened by the many comments from people who have also wrestled with depression, and your patients may find those helpful too.
I agree with you totally on self-care as a key part of managing depression. My daily walk is calling right now, as a matter of fact! If I don’t get some exercise and some creativity into each day, I can feel myself starting to slide downwards. Please, keep in touch, and I look forward to your future comments as this is my little community in the making here.
What heartfelt posts, comments and responses. All have touched me. It is so very touching to read how different people experience and manage episodes of depression. It is so very difficult for me to verbalize my own experiences that each sentence written here this week and last week represent to me great effort to put down words after the great effort of self-understanding which must precede what was written. So thanks to you for opening the conversation and thanks to others for their contributions.
I know the deep dark kind of shaky feeling you are writing about. It comes on from nowhere! I ask my husband…do you ever feel nervous, shaky for no reason? Shrug of the shoulder tells me that crying in the bathroom or writing my feelings are better left to myself. To no fault of anyone else, it is hard for them to grasp the feelings that I have. Sometimes crying releases the feeling, sometimes drawing or painting. I often say “God this is yours – fix this” but really, I should know how to do it. It might be the next day that all is well and bright and cheery. So, often times I think it is just my birth sign and bio rhythm. Your writings are beautiful and I sure can relate to them. Keep that coming!
Dear Annie, though our paths have not crossed my sister and myself want to personally thank you and even applaud you for sharing your post ‘Finding your voice again’ 😉 Please know we are not wanting to share nor comment that could be misinterpreted as a platitude no matter how sincerely intended. We basically want to send you a hug of understanding and sincere appreciation. No stranger to depression nor the darkness that can sometimes be ‘blinding or paralyzing’ be it from our personal experience with family/ friends or professional context as a retired child welfare family social worker- the struggles and battles are real. Mental Health, need for Awareness, wellness and positive self care in our opinion needs to be acknowledged year round. Strides are being made which we are thankful for via one person’s courage and story being shared more openly. Thank you Annie for giving us, your readers and your growing fan club 😉 the privilege and honor of seeing a woman of strength share so eloquently and with authenticity. Just via your post you have gotten a conversation started for others to perhaps grow in the area of mental health awareness or perhaps even provide an opportunity for others to share in their own struggle/journey with depression. Cheering you on Annie. Be Well and take care. Ps, Over the years with our own health challenges I told my doctor, oncology psychologist, nurse who ever would ask… I would say, ‘No such thing as a bad day JUST some are better than others’.. Take the kindness of others Annie and embrace whatever kind of day you just happen to be having. As Subaru of America says, ‘Feel the Love’. We too drive Subarus. 😉
Sorry for such a verbose comment reply but did not want to remain silent.
Hi, Betty Lou, I am becoming a member of your fan club! Your comments are so interesting and full of your personality that I look forward to them. I appreciate the comment on this article, as it was a post I thought about not sharing for the last few weeks. Depression is hard for people to understand if they’ve never experienced it and I want to have even a tiny part in clarifying to others what it’s like and how it’s an ongoing thing. So thank you for your support.
Hello Annie 🙂 GM, GA or GM… translation in this case is… good Morning, Afternoon or Evening 😉 Whatever time this finds you reading comments section of Wynnworlds. Funny isn’t it how life via an electronic world often times gets reduced to some sort of Acronym?
Back in the day ‘GA’ only stood for the fine state of Georgia and GM was our local General Motors auto plant here in Delaware.
Just wanted to send you a few words (sorry ‘few’ turns into verbose) via your comment page to let you know I was thinking of you as we recently enjoyed a long weekend of nippy-cold Fall camping down at Trap Pond St Park. Your recent posting(s) with additional comments pertaining to ‘finding your voice…’ as it pertains to depression has had a profound and yet encouraging impact on me (so many) for which I again thank you Annie and applaud. An impact so much so, I found myself carrying you in my thoughts (prayers too) as I was embracing the chilly Fall air of a gorgeous few days of camping- not yet in an Alto SC mind you (wink wink). Temps got down into the low 30’s and highs were in the 60’s. Like depression, the highs and lows can be subtle or extreme. What I found as a take away moment, so to speak, was yesterday for which I would like to share… or attempt.
The arduous task of packing up while the sun was well above the horizon line was peacefully quiet. My sister and our dog headed home early. The campground sites by this time on a Monday morning became as bare as the trees having lost all their leaves from recent winds and rain. The high sun however was sparkling across the water like diamonds as it beckoned my name to come soak in its beauty before heading back home to the daily grind. Annie,the warmth of the sun even had the turtles of all sizes climb up upon the bald cypress tree root balls to soak in its warmth as if wanting to protest the long winter that awaits them down in their muddy dark winter beds. The bright vibrant sunshine of the open area of Trap Pond was an invitation to life and celebration even for the turtles. The polar opposite of my paddling down the Terrapin Branch Trial through the swamp which was as uniquely wonderful though dark and cold with only slivers or spindles on warm sun shining through; even absent of turtles in visible site. Annie no exaggeration, as I was paddling/exiting the water trail it was as if the picture went from a beautiful black and white to a bright, vibrant technicolor with full panoramic views. The warmth of the sun upon my whole being was dramatic/ beyond my ability to articulate. It reminded me that contrasting experiences are very good and to be embraced. I know for me it was a unique gift. Like depression, illness, disease even grief or sadness can be a unique ‘gift’ though wrapped in a not so pretty package.
Seems like you have had some wonderful friends along the way of your own personal journey with depression. The person who stated a therapist is not your friend was a nugget of truth and wonderful reminder to so many that seeking help is a great choice as is the selection of the right professional. Being an advocate for yourself can require a great deal of energy. So VERY glad that you have taken the courage and strength that it takes to share what you have via Wynnworlds words and photos. Again, not many do what you have done and the manner in which you have done it via sharing the battles of depression with authenticity and sincerity. Sharing in my opinion helps dispel the shame, often times negative stigma, aloneness, isolation etc and invites others into the conversation. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not at all opposed to those who bring Mental Health needs out into the open via grand standing or soap box approach… guess I now appreciate/value more when others take a soft and sincere approach to share such a very valuable/note worthy topic which generates productive dialogue instead of monologue. If that makes sense.
My 2 cents for what it is worth is…. I know the old adage of ‘one size fits all’ in the fashion industry has now changed to ‘one size fits most’. I told my doctors and family years ok when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and subsequent medical issues even offered hospice yada yada, bla bla bla The phrase ‘Standard of Care’, ‘Treatment Protocols’, ‘you should do this’ all became buzz phrases though said with authority and even well intended. As I have allowed life experiences to shape/impact me (positive and not so positive ways) I now realize that ‘One Size indeed does not fit all nor even most’… especially when it comes to someone’s well being. Appropriate Treatment, intervention, self care, support, healthy community of friends, being nurtured by nature and a good belly laugh or chuckle and therapeutic cry all play a factor into one’s model of wellness. I actually told my doctor even psychologist at the cancer center…my body nor even my mind has ‘read your books’ so please don’t limit me to your protocols or standard of care practices.
Just so you know, I did say ‘please’— (chuckle chuckle) So when you first mentioned that you slammed your friend’s door as a hint of insight it no doubt could ring truth to so many who take the time to realize ‘something’ is just not right…. and worthy of looking into. I have slammed many doors and thankfully continue to soften and not shut down which is often a challenge. Personally and professionally speaking Annie, I applaud you, cheering you want to encourage you to keep being you!! My sister and myself have become huge fans and look forward to Wynnworlds updates whenever you feel less to post. With your voice and expression of yourself via your blog comes freedom and empowerment and hopefully some encouragement as well. Please know though no pressure at all nor expectation. Whenever you feel up to posting or sharing via your blog and photography we your fans will welcome it.
Very Best to you always,
The2Sisters-betty lou and bev
I have also struggled with depression during the past (for me) 12 years. The beginning coincided with perimenopause. Hormones were only part of the problem and HRT only helped so much.I especially struggled when we were traveling for the year and a half that Vince and I were on the road. I had no friends when he was working and it was hard to find medical help. It finally took us settling again so that I could get therapy, medications regularly. It was at least 8 years before I could fully come out of it. I too teeter on the edge of falling back into darkness if I don’t limit my news input. Sometimes I only recognize its hovering presence when I compare my level of enthusiasm for normal activities with those around me. I can then see that something is wrong. I usually dive back in to therapy and exercise when I realize that it is happening. It is a daily struggle to fend off Churchill’s “Black Dog.”
Oh, Toni, I totally understand you. Mine really hit when I moved to a new place, no friends; it’s so hard to not have a community or network in a place. I’m so glad you have gotten to a place of balance and know what sets you off (yeah, the news…) and how to catch yourself teetering. I sometimes call it my “black dog”, it seems to describe it so well. I hope you continue with the good fight, my friend.
Depression for me is a gateway to learn something…something I am trying to not see. Since I started to see it as a “Pause and Look ” sign instead something to avoid and “get over”, I learn so much about myself and life. It can be a gateway vs a wall. Regular meditation and study of “self” is a vital part thou. I would not be where I am w/o my beloved depression and every time I come out of one, I grew a bit. Sounds weird I know, but I am almost looking forward to the next, because I know I will grow. And like “magic” this view now shortens the “down time” a lot 🙂 Good luck!
Have you tried medication? It oftentimes works.
I covered this in my post of Oct 10, the meds left me feeling flat and not myself. I react oddly to most medications, so it’s an option I want to avoid if I can managed the depression in other ways.
Thank you, Annie, for your very personal post. I have always walked a fine line with depression, but what has helped me these past few years is finding and accepting my own pace. Maybe it appears to others like I am not that busy or waste time, but I have learned to listen to myself and not compare what I am “accomplishing” to others. Do whatever works for you
Ah, Paula, I hear this so clearly, my friend. I’m learning to take “introvert time” and just be quiet and not “do” but rest. I’m glad you found what works for you.
Annie, your thoughts are always so insightful and valuable. Meeting you a few years ago has opened my eyes to so many subjects and ideas. Going to hate if we don’t cross paths this year, but looking forward to our next walk.
Thank you, Becky! I’ve enjoyed meeting you and seeing life from your viewpoints too (and your grandkids!) Maybe I can convince you that Huntington in April is good 🙂
I can tell when I’m depressed, like now, when I stop taking pictures. Sometimes, I’m can see outside myself and see everyday miracles. I can’t wait to capture them and store them on my phone, maybe share them.
Lately, I haven’t taken many pictures, and I’m really not interested in things going on around me, including what’s happening in other people’s lives. It’s like it takes too much effort to care.
I’m doing talk therapy, behavioral cognitive stuff and it’s helping. I’m slowly digging myself to the top of the heap. In the meantime, I hear you. Really.
And I hear you, my friend. That second paragraph, yeah, I totally get it. I know something is off when I haven’t taken a picture. And there is also the fatigue factor from the news cycle; I find I can only handle a small trickle rather than the flood that is TV news, in-depth reading of the NYT etc, right now. Do what you need to do for YOU, and keep doing it. You are worth the effort, my friend. And call me if you need an ear.
<3 u so much.
And I <3 you, Marie. It was so good to talk with you this month and share stories. Keep up the fight, my friend, you are so worth it.