Yesterday I worked most of the day to reorganize my photo libraries, splitting out family and friends from the rest of my images. It was a slow, painstaking task to make sure I didn’t lose anything, and yet that was the easy part.
The hard part was realizing how many people are gone from my circles of family, close friends, friends, and acquaintances. I pushed away from the computer and walked down to the beach to catch the sunset, a bit overwhelmed by the losses over the years seen compressed into a few hours time.
Some were old when I was not, some were in their thirties when I was that age too. Some were sudden, others were long and mostly painful. Heart, cancer, age, accidents. Whatever the reason, they’re gone now. They are photos on my screen, and stories in my heart.
This morning I woke up to find another one gone, a valiant fight for many months ended in a quiet passing. My heart has ached all day for his family. Condolences, words, it all feels so small when the loss is so large.
I know there’s a circle of life, with beginnings and endings every day. I celebrate the babies when they come, and the birthdays, too. When the losses happen, I pay tribute how I can to the one who has left us behind so this is one last flower photo for Pat and the Moore family.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
W. H. Auden
Annie, this was beautifully written. You have such a talent with words and images. A wonderful tribute.
That was profound Annie. It touched a part of me that I keep carefully tucked away. There will be a period of profound and overwhelming loss. I don’t think, however, that we should never think of those loved ones in a sad way. Those memories we’ve collected over time should bring us joy at having known them. They’re the treasures that remind us how blessed we are that we knew…the ones that fills our heart. Love, Barb
Beautifully written. Thank you.
Photos I appreciate more and more as I get older. Especially needing to print off the huge amount of digital ones easily taken in volume and rarely looked at.
When a beloved in my life passed away, I thought the sun would never shine for me again. The loss and depression were so profound, I thought no words could eve be uttered. However, I put the same words that came to you from Auden, with him to be buried.
“He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.”
And yet… we put ourselves out there over and over, to love and feel deep loss again. Because what would life have been without those loves? I feel for you, right as I’m preparing myself to feel the loss of a major beloved. Don’t know when it’ll be, but there is never enough time.
Mary, perhaps I can help with this project? Let’s talk when I’m up your way next month. At the least, we can toss ideas and tools back and forth.
I want to make a collection of photos of Mak from his childhood and college days in Japan to his coming to the US for college and graduate school – before we met. In cleaning out his study I have come across a number of nice old black and white photos. Then there are the ones of our lives together: marriage, trip to Europe for a year, graduate school days, graduation, off to North Carolina to teach, back to Boston to find jobs, starting our family etc etc. I keep thinking I will do it in the winter when the weather is bad – I guess it has not been bad enough yet! I would like to leave a collection for my sons and their families – two daughter-in-laws, two granddaughters and and third child on the way. As an historian I know how important it is to have knowledge of one’s family as far back as one can document. It is what roots us in the present and helps us build a future.
This. So much. Thank you for putting it into words.